Acts of Stupidity

I had some random thoughts earlier today, but unfortunately they go as fast as they come. If I don't catch them right away, it could be days, weeks before they come back.

Instead I bring you some wonderful Acts of Stupidity I found in the news today.

If you ever needed proof that people are getting dumb and dumber by the day let me introduce you to Elbert Lewis Thompson II. (Elbert - people actually named him that! And he's the II! Oy!)

At the ripe age of 20 years old, Mr. Thompson II is wanted for armed robbery. A shining star! A pillar of the community!

Police captured Mr. Thompson for a traffic violation and brought him into the hospital because he claimed he was not feeling well and then fell unconscious. The police then brought Mr. Thompson to the hospital for treatment.

Mr. Thompson obviously woke up very thirsty, because walked out of the hospital and into a bar. The police (who were obviously on a coffee break) later found him sitting at the bar in his hospital gown and his IV still attached to his arm.

I wander what Mr. Elbert Lewis Thompson I thinks of his son?

"That's my boy!"

The best story comes from Kennewick, WA.

A 17 year old youth (whose name is withheld because of his stupidity would be an embarrassment to his family) broke into a furniture store. During the 5 hours he was there, he logged into the business's computer, checked out his MySpace account, watched a bit of porn and then tried to sell some stolen items! (I found some really cool office chairs on ebay CHEAP!)

They should add extra time to his sentence just for being a dumb ass.

Are you kidding me?

Normally I post a photo on Thursdays, but I was just scanning the news and I read this headline:

"PETA wishes Obama hadn't swatted that fly"

In case you missed it, President Obama swatted and killed a fly during an interview the other day.



I was pretty impressed!

Now PETA is in a bit of a tiff over it and they are sending him: "a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher, a device that allows users to trap a house fly and then release it outside."

Bruce Friedrich said that "PETA was pleased with Obama's voting record in the Senate on behalf of animal rights and noted that he has been outspoken against animal abuses.
Still, "swatting a fly on TV indicates he's not perfect," Friedrich said, "and we're happy to say that we wish he hadn't."

Give me a break.

Howdy!

I'm back...sort of.

It's kind of a long story and I don't really feel like typing it out but I have soooooooooooo much to tell you all.

I will I promise, but for now I'll just leave with you this:

Don't quit your day job!

Ahhhhhhhhh it's Sunday afternoon. M and I are chillin'. She's watching the Eagles vs. the Cardinals game and interjecting at the appropriate moments while I blog away.

I'm not much of a sports fan. The only football game I really watch is the Super Bowl and then it is my tradition to pick the opposite team that M is routing for just to annoy her. Honestly, I could care less.

At the moment though, the Cardinals are kicking the (B)Eagles tail feathers.

I was in a cooking mood today. M came up with the idea of beef stew for dinner, so that is simmering in the crock pot. It smells wonderful!

Then there is the smell of freshly made date-nut bread cooling on the counter that is making my stomach growl. This is my first time making it so I hope it's as good as it smells.

I grilled up some chicken breasts too so that I can bring some of it up with me to my little cozy home away from home. I just find it's easier to pre-cook food for the week then having to attempt to cook on an electric stove. It also helps me stick to my diet too because I can control the portions better.

So - now with all the cooking done I finally have some time to catch up on my blogs that I've missed very much and post on my own blog as well.

The "Don't quit your day job" series is a bit behind, but I think with this weeks selection you will see why I put it off until the last minute.

Sometimes I just don't understand why actors/actresses who become popular because of a movie or TV series attempt to cross over into other forms of entertainment that they just have no right to try.

Maybe it's the ego trip they are on. They actually BELIEVE that they can sing.

Hey - when I'm alone in my car I think I can sing too, but I wouldn't even try to sing in front of people for fear I would do some damage to they physical and psychological well being.

My pic for the week is a man who while in his "prime" starred as the pastel wearing undercover cop Sonny Crocket in the TV series Miami Vice.

His bio states that he is an actor, singer, songwriter, director and producer. They also mention he was in a "psychedelic rock band called Horses". Maybe it was the "psychedelic" drugs he took that made him believe he could sing.

Believe it or not this song actually made it to #5 on Billboard's list.

I'm still trying to figure out why.

Later he actually went on to record a duo with Barbra Streisand - gag me with a spoon.

So here is your audio atrocity for the week: Don Johnson singing "Heartbeat".



oy.

Peace all, have a good week and I'll see you on Friday!

Disgusting

What a complete schmuck.

If you don't know who this guy is, click here: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122914169719104017.html

What a putz.

Greedy asshole.

I stole this from MSN:

Shin-kicking is a sport?

Yep.

Invented in the Cotswolds of England, circa 1600, shin-kicking is an annual event at the Cotswold Games.

Here's how it works: Kick your opponent as hard as you can in the shins. If your opponent falls to the ground in pain, you earn a point. The winner takes the highest score in the best of three rounds.Inhumane? Not entirely. Competitors are permitted to stuff their pants with hay.

Think that's bad?

Try ferret stuffing.

This illegal "sport" can be traced to Yorkshire, England, where allegedly sane men stuff ferrets in their pants to see who can suffer the longest. Who holds the record? In 1981, Reg Mellor kept two of 'em down for five hours and 26 minutes.

Five hours and 26 minutes he "suffered" with 2 live ferrets in his pants.

How did they come up with this sport in the first place?

Nevermind, I don't think I want to know.

Parents these days...

Whew - another Monday over.

The weekend was fun! We drove up to PA on Saturday afternoon. The hotel was very nice except for the 8 middle school girls soccer teams that were staying with us!

What happens when you get about 90 middle school aged kids in the same hotel with little to no supervision?

Mayhem...that's what.

For some stupid beyond stupid reason the hotel put us on the same floor as the pool and we were sharing it with the little girl soccer teams that were staying there. For a few hours M and I heard the following:

Scream!

Giggle!

Slam!

Rinse and repeat about a gazillion times.

In the meantime the parents were partying out in the hallway! No kidding! They moved all their chairs out there had a cooler of beer and delivered pizza and just sat around wasted while their pre-teen aged girls wreaked havoc around the hotel.

M and I take turns at being the "voice of reason" in situations. This time I was the raving maniac who wanted to scream out the door: "For the love of Pete shut the fuck up!"

M calmly reminded me it was only 7:00 and they would eventually calm down.

SO....I waited.

Scream!

Giggle!

Slam!

Scream!

Giggle!

Slam!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I called the front desk and complained. They said they were going to send security around to check on things.

We heard about 5 minutes of quiet and then:

Scream!

Giggle!

Slam!

Scream!

Giggle!

Slam!

I called the front desk again. This time they told me they have received several complaints and they were going to take care of it.

5 more minutes of calm and then...yep, you betcha:

Scream!

Giggle!

Slam!

What the fa?

I called for the last time and demanded they change our room.

They did.

As we marched past the partying parents in the hallway they shot us some really nasty looks.

Uh...excuse me. Your little girls are running around a hotel acting like animals and you have the freakin' nerve to give ME a dirty look?

What the fa?

Since when did parents permit there kids to run around screaming and yelling in the hallways of a hotel?

My Mom and Dad would have shot me on the spot if we acted that way. I would have shot my OWN kids if they acted that way.

What were these parents thinking?

Oh...never mind. They weren't thinking They are of that new generation where they think the world revolves around them.

Fuck that shit. They are assholes

Shoot the bunny

Flatulence
Bombers
Air Biscuit
Purple Haze
Pass Wind
Pass Gas
Toots

Fart

Whatever you call them...farts are funny!

Why else would we find putting a whoopie cushion under Aunt Jezebels seat so hilarious.

Kids love farts and when they learn how to push them out on command, they do it all the time. Boys more than girls, but I've known some girls....oy!

Farts are a natural occurrence.

They are conversation starters and conversation breakers.

Some are so proud to show off their farting abilities while others are horrified to even admit that they do it.

And - for the record - EVERYONE FARTS.

Someone who tells you that they never fart is a BIG FAT LIAR!

They may not fart in front of anyone, but they fart.

If you didn't, you would spontaneously combust.

We say weird things when people fart:

"Better out than your eye!" was my Grandpa Harrison's favorite. I'm not sure what that means really - he was filled with stuff like that. He also claimed he saw the wee people when he was a boy in Ireland. (ok Grandpa!)

"Pull my finger" - where the hell did that come from and why do people do that?

There are the two sayings: "Whoever denied it supplied it" and it's companion; "Whoever smelled it dealt it."

We sing songs about farts: Beans, beans, are good for your heart, the more you eat, the more you fart, the more you fart, the better you feel, so eat your beans at every meal!

We tell jokes about farts: Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and said, "My butt is going to sleep!" The other replied: "I know, I heard it snore three times."

There is a pivotal moment in any relationship where someone breaks the ice and is the first one to fart in front of the other. I was the proud owner of that claim between M and I. I blamed it on a non-existent duck that was flying over head. We both cracked up and then breathed a sigh of relief.

11 years later, let's just say we vary between being grossed out and laughing so hard we can have a fart fest!

A Dutch Oven is a purely male invention which I never got. This is where you are laying in bed with your lover, the guy farts and the pulls the covers of the girls head and makes her smell it.

WTF?

There are SBD's - Silent but Deadly
Squeakers - high pitched trumpet sounding
Loud and reverberating farts
Farts with little surprise endings

I could go on and on and everyone has at least one funny fart story to tell, but I never knew farting could get you arrested!

Poor Jose A. Cruz was pulled over for driving without his headlights. He failed his sobriety tests and was brought in for a breathalyzer.

As an office was preparing the machine, Jose let one rip and then fanned it towards the officer.

""The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged."

Along with driving under the influence and driving without headlights he was charged with battery and 2 counts of obstruction.

Why did he do it?

To quote Jose so eloquently: "I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

Better out than your eye Jose!

Silliness runs in the family...

And here is proof!




Forgive the red eyes...I'm still trying to figure out Adobe Photo Elements...I either look like I am possessed or have no soul at all. (I kind of think I'm somewhere in between)

This was taken...I want to say...New Years Eve...1984?!

Before marriage - but I was engaged...

...before children...they had a certain "calming effect" on me...(NOT!)

...before shoulder pads were considered a fashion faux pas!!!

Oh...and yes...you are seeing what you think you are seeing: I had a mullett.

It was "cool" back then...in a very Sheena Easton kind of way:

(she was HOT!)

OK...the phone lines are open: honorable mention goes to the peson/blogger who can come up with a caption for that photo of me!

How could you do that to your child? part 2

Some parents just shouldn't be parents.

We all have read about them in the newspapers and have even known a few in our lifetime.

The ability to procreate does not necessarily mean you can be a parent.

Some of the people I feel who should not be parents are those who are abusive, neglectful, alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals, work alcoholics, self absorbed narcissists and stupid people.

A few months back I had a post about what some parents name their children in "How could you do that your child?" part 1.

It's obvious that there are still stupid people doing the same stupid things.

Such is the case of the girl named: Talula does the Hula from Hawaii

Yes...that is her name: Talula does the Hula from Hawaii

This poor 9 year old girl from New Zealand was so embarrassed by her name that she had her friends call her "K" because she did not want to reveal it.

The parents lost custody of this child and the girl will become a ward of the court pending a new name. The judge stated that it was child abuse because: "It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap."

:::sigh:::

What were these people smokin' when they did this?

Other names blocked by the court were:

Violence
Midnight Chardonnay
Number 16 Bus Shelter
Twins named: Benson and Hedges
Fish and Chips
Yeah Detroit
Stallion
Twisty Poi
Keenan Got Lucky
Sex Fruit
Fat Boy
Satan
Adolf Hitler and 4Real

Two words for these people: BIRTH CONTROL

Sheesh

I am not smooth

I'm a bit rough around the edges.

I am certainly not eloquent either - but I do try to keep myself from sounding like an idiot, most of the time.

It doesn't always work.

On Saturday, a colleague from our UK office who was attending the same conference I was had invited me out to dinner "with some buddies" after the reception that was being held at the Phoenix Art Museum.

My colleague - who I shall refer to as "B" is kind of high up in the food chain in our UK office. She's the director of this and that and has gobs and gobs of experience....knows all the right people...yadda, yadda, yadda.

I was very flattered that she invited me.

At dinner, I was seated right in between two people (these are "B's" buddies) that are verly well known and respected within the industry that I work in. We'll call them Mr. C and Mrs. H.

I felt immediately "out of my league" in the company of these people, but did my very best to keep up with them...learn from them...etc. I had only one beer - because I needed something cold and refreshing after walking 15 blocks in the freakin' AZ sun and thought it would be best if I didn't have any other alcohol to drink so that I can keep my wits about me. (Now I'm thinking I should have had LOTS more)

They were having a conversation about technology in the market...something and something...and it was a topic that really interested me so I attempted to "jump into" the conversation.

So....I waited for my moment and then lept in with: "I had a very interesting conversation with a few librarians while waiting in line for hors d'ourves about something very similar....."

Then it happened...

my mind when completely blank....

and I totally forgot what I was going to say and what point I was trying to make.

The heat in my neck started to rise up to my face as I felt myself blush. My ears turned bright red and felt like they were going to burn off my head.

I paused...attempted to pull myself together...I looked at them both and just said:

"I have totally lost my train of thought and have forgotten what point I was trying to make."

They chuckled - politely (which is like the kiss of death) and resumed their conversation.

As sweat poured out of every pore in my body and my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest and leap across the table....I sunk slowly back into my chair and hoped I could recover.

There were a few redeeming moments later on and in the taxi back to the hotel Mrs. H. and I did have a very nice conversation about the project that she is working on and I actually understood what she was talking about, but I hope I won't be remembered as the idiot they had dinner with.

Please tell me I'm not the only one this has ever happened to?

Why I stopped drinking...

...because I can't be responsible for my actions.

Worst Video of the Week

TGIF Bloggers!

I haven't quite come up with a new theme to replace the Drippin' with Cheeze series, but a fellow blog pal - Poetikat turned me on to this little gem!

What do you get when you mix: The Brady Bunch, ABBA, Grease and the Saturday Night Fever all in one?

One horrifically bad video!

As soon as "the dancers" come across the screen you immediately cringe. They start off with a number that looks a bit like a 1970's gym class! Then the sea of derange dancers part and you see the father for all of the children of the Village of the Damned.



What a manly man he is in his tight bell bottoms, white puffy shirt and gold chains! Yeeeowwzzzzaaaa!

He is joined later by a woman that I am guessing they were trying to dress up as Sandra Dee.

You can't keep your eyes off the dancers though...it's just mesmerizing.

At about 1:38 on the video...the guy in the front makes a move that would have made John Travolta swoon!

And the song...well...Kat warned me...because once it's in your brain...it sticks there and no matter how many times you listen to anything else...you mysteriously start humming it all over again.

It's a plague on humanity!




Pay attention to the very end....what are the dancers eating?

How could you do that to your child?

A while ago, Identity Mixed has a post about bad baby names.

Today iVillage had an article dealing with the same subject.

Apparently throughout history parents have been naming their kids after things like:

Disease: Rubella Graves and Emma Royd
Sins: Lust Garten, Avarice Sullivan, Sloth Washton
Foods: Dinner Ware, Pickle Parker, Mayo Head

Oy! What were these parents thinking?!

They have a list of the Best of the worst or the worst of the worst where you can vote which one is the best?! Worst?

Here is the list of the contenders:

Uranus Stuckey
Ghoul Nipple
Acne Fountain (ohhhhhhh..grrrrrooossss)
Lust T. Castle
Mary A Jerk (there's a bitter woman's revenge)
Ima Whore
Mutton Bucker
Hugh Jass
Fanny Whiffer
Tackle Feigenbutz
Envy Burger
Burn Snoddy
Mule E. McCart
Lard Mooney
Good Hell (I am thinking my friend SharkB will like this one)
Emma Royd
Nobel Butt
Naught E. Bishop (hmmmmm...I wonder who his Daddy is?)
Stud Duck (No relation to Disco)

I'm really torn between Acne Fountain and Mutton Bucker. Poor Ima though...she must have had a very rough life.

Make sure to cast your vote now! http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/23631411/?GT1=43001&pg=13#TDY_Names_Bad

Mom's behaving badly

It was mayhem at the local Chuck E. Cheese's in Natick, MA when two Mom's got into a tussle. It all started when one of the Mom's accused the other's son of "hogging" a video game.

Can you imagine the dialog?

Mom #1 - That boy has been on that video game for a while now...when is he going to give someone else a turn.
Junior - I wanna play the game...I wanna play the game!!!
Mom #1 - I know honey...I know you want to play the game, but someone else is already playing on it, you'll have to wait.
Junior - Noooooo, I wanna play it NOOOOOW. NOW, NOW, NOW!!!
Mom #1 (Slight twitch in her face from dealing with Junior on too much sugar) Ok honey...we'll let me just go and talk to the boys Mommy and see if he's going to be done soon ok?
Junior - I wanna play it now, now, NOW!!!!

Mom#1 walks over to Mom #2 -

Mom #1 - excuse me, but my son would like to play this game too. Will he be done soon?
Mom #2 - He'll be done when he's done, your son will just have to wait like everyone else.

(Junior in the background eating more sugar)

Mom #1 - well, your son has been on a while now. There ARE other children waiting. Do you think he could finish this game and let someone else have a chance?
Mom #2 - My son is having a good time playing this game, so your son will just have to wait until he is done. Maybe he can play another game in the meantime.

Junior - I wanna play now, I wanna play now!!!!

Mom #2 - You may want to stop giving him sugar, he's starting to create a scene.
Mom #1 - Don't tell me how to be a parent! You can't even teach your son to share, instead he's HOGGING up this game so no one else can play it.
Mom # 2 - excuse me? Did you say my son was HOGGING this game? There are plenty of OTHER games your child can play...my SON is not HOGGING this game...YOUR son is just a brat and does not know how to wait his turn. Maybe you should teach your child some manners...maybe YOU should take him off the sugar so YOU can CONTROL him better.

Junior - Mom...make him get off the game...I wanna play the game...I wanna play the game!!!! Mom...mom...MOM...I wanna play now.

Mom #1 snaps...lurches for Mom #2.

They roll on the floor yelling and cursing at each other...ripping hair, gauging eyes...innocent children are caught in the melee...Chuck E. the rat tries to break it up and gets tossed into the balls taking out 3 toddlers as he falls.

Meanwhile - the boy playing the video game looks up at Junior and asks him if he wants to play now. Junior says no, he's hungry and they walk off to find more birthday cake and soda together!

tsk, tsk, tsk.

Weird News

MSNBC came up with their Top 10 Weird News Stories for 2007!

Here are my favorites!

Potty Mouth! Woman is Cited for Cursing at Toilet
Man Gets Propation for Dead Deer Sex (check out the picture of this guy!)
Naked Pair Falls from Rooftop to their Deaths