Don't drink and blog

I was a bit afraid this morning to read the post I wrote last night. I had a few glasses of wine in me at the time. It turned out not to be too bad after all. Luckily no secrets were revealed, no "I love you all out there in the blog world" meaningless blurts.

Change was basically the premise of the whole post. How I deal with it - that sort of thing.

I immerse myself into projects or a new job. Sometimes a little slowly at first and then after a while I become totally focused on it. Almost to the exclusion of anything else.

During the summer it was the little garden project, and then the rain barrel project and then the little pool project. I had a few other projects on my list, but I didn't really want to do them and so I never did. Painting the laundry room and painting the bilco doors keep getting recycled on my list. They aren't hard jobs, but for some reason I keep putting them off.

Once all of the little projects were done - slowly I started doing some things for me! I had nothing better to do, so I grabbed the camera, went on walks with the dogs, took some fun bike rides which led into eating healthier, losing a bit of weight and really feeling good about myself.

I was energized. Margie and I joined a gym and we were going pretty regularly.

Then another change happened - my friends opened up a little cookie bakery place and asked if I could help.

SURE - no worries. I worked with them to do some clean up and set up. We got together to figure out what recipes we wanted for our basic cookies and I became immersed in the entire process. Having a blast!

Unfortunately my focus on the cookies took my focus off myself. No more bike rides, no more gym, screw eating healthy I had cookies to taste test.

Talking with counselor G, she asked me what is it that I think rattles me the most and it's obvious that change is the answer.

This is where I think the ADD part kind of comes in. I like the change as long as it's challenging. When I lose the challenge I become bored and complacent. Looking for the new next exciting thing.

Something else to focus on for a while.

I've always admired people who have worked for the same company for 5 - 10 - 20 years. I like the concept, but it seems elusive to me. Sitting in a cubicle 8 hours a day doing the same thing over and over is like slow torture. Let me do something new, move me to a different department but change it up a little.

My focus is a bit scattered at the moment. There have been a few new changes in my life so I am re-adjusting myself again. The new puppy - BIG change. Working less hours at the cookie place - little change. Starting back to school next week - expected change.

If I look at it as a whole - all of these changes are happening at the perfect time. My decreased hours at work will give me more time to do my homework for school and play with puppy as needed.

Counselor G asked - that's all fine, but what are you doing for YOU?

Me? Me who?

Going back to school is for me - all me not for anyone else.

Counselor G asked - what about your photography and your painting?

That has taken a back burner recently.

Counselor G - and why is that?

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm....well. Becaaaaaaauuuuuuse I'm too busy doing other things?

Counselor G shakes her head slowly - uh uh. Not good. Your homework for our next session is to give time to Sharon AND - tell me exactly what you've done.

Crap.

Why is doing something for OTHER people easier to me than doing something for myself?

Guilt? Co-dependency? Laziness? Unselfishness?

Overcompensating for being too selfish earlier in my life?

All of the above?

:::drumming fingers:::

OK...so what am I going to do. I am going to do some work on a stippling picture I started and numb my mind with tiny little dots. it's actually very therapeutic. I really have to focus and I get in a zone.

Off I go - here is a picture I was playing with last week. It's kind of trippy looking. Let me know what you think!



Made totally without the use of any mind altering chemicals - scary place my brain sometimes!

Have a fabu weekend all!

Peace!

Work

Officially it's been 107 days since I was "let go" from my former employer.

Since then I have been spending my time working on various projects around the house that I needed/wanted to get done.

We keep a white board up in our kitchen to remind us of appointments or write little notes to one another when we're feeling silly. I have been using it as my job jar. It works pretty well if I write down the things I need to do, but if you don't write it down...it ain't gettin' done!

M will ask me: "Did you remember to do such and such yesterday?"

"Nope...sorry I forgot. Write it down so I'll remember please."

Then we go on about our business and neither one of us remembers to write it down. A few weeks later she may ask me the same thing.

This will go on and on until ONE of us remembers to write the damn thing down!

There are a few jobs that I don't have on the white board that I haven't forgotten about. Maybe deliberately, maybe I'm just being lazy or maybe I'm scared.

1. Lose weight. I've been successful at losing weight in the past, but I have not been successful in keeping it off. Kind of like Oprah. I'll shed 40 50 pounds and swear never to put it back on again. And I do. This is a job that I deliberately put off because it's SO much freakin' work to diet and exercise and I don't enjoy either one. I can work outside from dawn til' dusk and sweat my ass of mowing, raking weeding, pruning or whatever but 30 minutes on the dreadmill is B-O-R-I-N-G!!! Dieting or changing my eating habits or whatever you want to call is not as easy as it used to be. I used to be able to go on Weight Watchers for a while and really do well. Now as my body has been changing the weight loss is much slower and I lose my patience with it and then go out and buy myself a cream donut. (pathetic isn't it?)

2. Work on my art/creative side again. I used to enjoy picking up my camera and just go out exploring. Sometimes I'd go through 4 or 5 rolls of film and sometimes I'd only get off a few shots. Time of day, lighting and location will always dictate this. I've wanted to start painting again I enjoy it. It's very soothing and I can lose myself for hours doing it, but it's been at least 3 years since I've seriously painted anything. I've just been lazy really. I've made all kinds of excuses: I needed to clean up the basement (which I've done), I needed to clean off my art desk (check), I need more time to myself (bloody hell I've got gobs and gobs of it now). So now I've run out of excuses.

3. Me This is the scary one. I've been to counselors during times of crisis in my life: divorce, coming out, post-partum depression, grief, relationships etc. Each time has been very helpful in getting through the tough times. An objective opinion, someone who can give you the tools to help you get through whatever it is you need to get through. The counselor that I see now - she's different. She's sharp and sees right through my bull shit!

She's asked me to write. Freestyle- whatever comes into my head. Stream of consciousness. Carry a notebook around with me and whenever I feel like writing something down - just do it.

It doesn't have to mean anything, it doesn't have to be a journal of what I've done - just whatever goes on in my head.

Random thoughts!

Thoughts like: "I've had this chair for so long it's perfectly conformed to my butt."

or

"Why is it when you open up a new box of tissues you always get two tissues and so you try to stuff the other one back in the box and then it looks crappy?"

Hmmmmmm...

Excuse me, I've got work to do.