Frau Blucher

In 7th grade I had a teacher who I will call: Frau Blucher

On the first day of class she came into the room, silently.

Closed the door behind her, picked up a piece of chalk and wrote her name on the board:

Frau Blucher

After that came the speech that I can still hear in my head to this day:

"My name is Frau Blucher and I am not your friend. Write down how to spell my name correctly because this is the last time I will write it on the board. You are to write it on the top right hand side of every paper that you turn in along with your section number. Anyone who fails to spell my name correctly will automatically get an "F" for that assignment.

I do not grade on a curve, that is for lazy people. Homework is to be completed and turned in on the day it is due and I will not accept any excuse for lateness except death. You will have homework every night."

First day of class and I already hated Frau Blucher.

I am not a good student. It's not that I'm stupid, I just become "disinterested" in things very quickly and then I get lazy. My mind wonders, I start doodling instead of taking notes and then I cram at the last minute thinking I'll just get by.

Sometimes it works - but sometimes it doesn't. (Kids, don't try this at home)

Frau Blucher was our Reading/Spelling teacher. Two subjects that I did well in up until 7th grade. I quickly went from an "A" to an "F" in her class and just barely had enough points on my final report card to pass into the next grade.

It wasn't all due to Frau Blucher, there were some other things going on in my life: puberty, pimples, greasy hair, glasses, dessert boots, low self-esteem.

Just your garden variety dork.

Right before our Easter vacation, Frau Blucher just happened to be the teacher in charge of handing out our report cards for that quarter. As she handed mine to me she looked me straight in the eye and said: "Looks like the Easter Bunny won't be visiting some one's house this year."

This was the same class that I endured having my books pushed off my book rack, having rude pictures drawn on my desk, signs taped to my back and spit balls stuck in my hair. To have a teacher say something like that in front of your classmates though, was an all time low point in my life.

It did wonders to my already low self-esteem.

But - somehow I recovered and managed to overcome and be pretty successful in my life. (Take THAT Frau Blucher!)

Today at work was probably one of the lowest points I've had in my adult life and it brought me right back to 7th grade and Frau Blucher's class.

I had to do yet another "Demo" of our product today in front of my bosses, a new hire, a guy who was interviewing for a job and our customer service manager.

I have been struggling with this "demo" since I started at this company and I'm not sure exactly why, but today was just horrific.

Last night I carefully wrote down my notes and put down everything that I've learned about the product so far. I should have known it wasn't going to go well when I went to print up my notes and I ran out of ink on my printer. Then my printer gave me an error and I had to re-start my computer 3 times to finally get it to work.

Bad karma.

Anyway - I got to the office early. Met the "new guy", was introduce to the "guy who may come on board as a sales rep" who happens to live in the same territory I cover. Caught my boss in a lie - she was going on a customer visit yesterday and I asked to go because I thought it would be good experience for me. She told me that "The daughter of Frau Blucher" only wanted her (Peep of Sales) and our customer service manager to go because it was an existing client and they were going to discuss some issues the client was experiencing.

I find out today that they brought the "new guy" with them on the customer visit.

WTF?

Yadda yadda yadda

What - eva!

The "daughter of Frau Blucher" comes into the room - she doesn't even LOOK at me.

Doesn't even acknowledge me.

I do my "demo".

Overall, I thought I did OK. Not great, but OK. I was very nervous for some reason and I did miss a few key points.

Then the time of reconing when the "daughter of Frau Blucher" gave me my review. She looked over me, to each side of me and through me but never AT me. She's brought up some very valid points that were wrong and I will acknowledge that but then she added things like: "Peep of Sales" is what I consider an "A" Student in this company. I will not accept a "C" student because to me a "C" is mediocre. "C" students do not belong with this company.

Now - when I get nervous or upset I start to turn red. It starts in my neck and then envelopes my entire face and head.

I was BEET red.

I was seething.

I was on flames!!!

Looking at the "new guy" and the "who may come on board as a sales rep" she gave THEM details of what she wanted in this presentation that she has NEVER told me before and I've done this 4 freakin' times!

I caught "Peep of Sales" in lie #2 for the day when she looks at me and said: "Remember Sharon we went over this".

Fucking bull SHIT!

I know my presentation was not without flaws but JEEEEZZZUUUSSSSSS!

To add insult to injury I brought in my first potential client and I was given the third degree about how I got it!

COLD CALLS!! Fucking 20 fucking cold calls a fucking day!

But - to be nice I was allowed to eat lunch with them..."daughter of Frau Blucher" STILL not looking at me the entire time and then I was promptly told that I "can go home because I will be more productive there".

Meanwhile "new guy" and "guy who may come on board as a sales rep" are asked to stay.

WTF #2???

I feel that the "daughter of Frau Blucher" has already written me off.

I would quit, but I'm too much of a stubborn Irish woman to do that.

You haven't met stubborn until you've met the daughter of Rose Harrison who was the QUEEEN of stubborn!

The "daughter of Frau Blucher", who is very clever and used to be a lawyer is in for a very long battle.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


Beeeeeeaaaaatccccchhhh.

I guess the Easter Bunny won't be visiting my house this year either, but it's only because I'll scare him away with my beet red scary face!


Oh...and for those of you who may not know who Frau Blucher is, please watch the attached clip! (This is my FAVORITE movie)

What goes hobble, hobble, vroom, vroom?

Give up?

The hobble, hobble part is poor little M. A few weeks ago, (Saturday - April 4th) M's leg fell through a hole in our attic as she was trying to get something out of a box. I wasn't home at the time and unavailable to help her. She somehow managed to pull herself out of her predicament and climb back down to safety.

Later that evening, she confessed to me what had happened. (Margie doesn't like ladders and they don't seem to like her too much either so normally she doesn't go up one when I'm not around - for pure safety measures only)

She showed me her injuries - first thought...ewwww, that doesn't look good, I hope she didn't break anything. She assured me she was fine...it didn't really hurt that much, but I was able to persuade her to sit her ass down and put some ice on it.

The next day...her leg from mid-calf down to her toes was turning all kinds of purty colors like, red and purple, blue and yellow and a hint of chartreuse on the edges. She had a knob on her knee the size of a baseball.

"You should probably have a doctor take a look at that" I said, "that doesn't look too good to me."

Surprisingly enough, she agreed. (Did I mention M's just a teeny bit stubborn?)

Our family doctor we both love...she's great, but this time I have to say we are both a bit disappointed in the prognosis. She took a look at Margie's knee and said she had a hematoma and to go home...elevate the leg and put hot compresses on it to see if the swelling goes down. No x-rays...no thought of damage to the leg/knee/ankle.

She did order an ultrasound on the area because we had to fly to Puerto Rico and she wanted to make sure there were no blood clots that formed in the leg.

Ultrasound came up clear - we were good to go.

The Doctor added that within a few days the swelling does not significantly go down, to call her back.

So that was on Wednesday - April 9th.

M was a good girl and followed the doctors instructions and we actually did see the swelling go down in her knee, but her ankle was actually looking worse. Fortunately, it is her left leg that is injured so she is still able to drive and get around.

Went to Puerto Rico - she was sore, but OK. She rested it as much as possible.

Came back home...the bruising on her knee was disappearing, but she still had that knob there and that ankle was looking pretty ugly.

She called the doctor again - and this time the doctor tells her to go to a specialist. Sports medicine Doc. The earliest appointment she could get was Wednesday - April 23rd.

We had a lovely weekend - Saturday we walked all over Philadelphia - by the end of the day M was in a lot of pain. She was a trooper I tell ya...but when we got home that night it was clearly obvious this leg was more than just a hematoma and a bit of bruising.

Sports Medicine guy looked at the leg and told her" Oh...I don't like the look of that knee!" Not a good sign when a doctor says that. Took some x-rays, they are inconclusive since she still has a lot of swelling and has ordered 2 MRI's - one of the knee and one of the ankle.

He also gave her strict orders to stay off the leg as much as possible and to use crutches.

M + Crutches = disaster waiting to happen

She's already dropped one crutch on one of the dogs head and now he's traumatized at the site of them - but she's getting around...slowly, but it's OK.

Now comes the Vroom, Vroom part - I have to leave for the UK today on a business trip. I will be gone for 10 days.

I asked M if she wanted me to cancel, she said no, there really isn't much I can do for her at this point and her friend has offered to be around to help her out.

She's right...I know - but still - how can you leave your partner behind when she's going through all of this?

I know she'll be OK, but still - I worry.

Of course there is the whole GUILT thing too. Damned Catholic upbringing.

I battle with this old internal struggle of being the caretaker and making sure everyone I love is OK. Sometimes at the sacrifice of my own self.

C0-dependency is a new word in my vocabulary. Some how I always associated it with people who were clingy and needy and overbearing - but now I see it's something different altogether.

It was an "A-Ha!" moment when my counselor gently suggested that I "look it up and read about it."

Anyhoo - M will be OK. She has a friend close by who will help her out while I'm gone, my daughter is here at the house too, so she will not be alone. She still has to have the MRI's and then wait for the doctor to call her with the official diagnosis and solution and by that time I will be home and we can take care of this together.

In the meantime I will go on my trip and I will call home frequently and make sure everything is OK.

Guilt will not get the better of me.

Frumpled

I try....I really do.

I am not a fashion plate, but I always attempt to look nice and I actually plan out what I am going to wear for the next day on the night before. I took out my tan pants with the brown pint stripes, a brown sleeveless top and a brown crepe blouse to go over the sleeveless top.

I ironed my clothes this morning as part of my regular routine - I like sharp creases and wrinkle free pants and shirts.

I carefully put my coat on so I wouldn't bunch up my clothes underneath and add wrinkles where they don't belong.

But something happened in between the time I put my clothes on and my arrival at work that turned my nice clean freshly pressed clothes into a frumpled, wrinkled, jumbled mess.

:::sigh:::

It must have happen during the 1hour and 30 minutes it takes me to get to work. But I was sitting still...I was not moving around.

Maybe it happened on the walk from the parking garage to the office? In those short 3 blocks little gremlins ran up my coat and jostled everything around so there is little evidence except for the remnants of a crease down my sleeve that I ironed my shirt.

Today when I got to work, the tip of my collar on my blouse was folded up - pointing at me! The back of my blouse was also folded up...so now it kind of sticks out from my body...real nice...very attractive.

How did this happen?

I'm trying to sit on the back of my blouse in the opposite way in a feeble attempt to fold it the other way and I keep pulling the pointy collar down and roll it under and making it behave.

:::ugh:::

Then this thing happened to my hair. It just expanded and goes frizzy without me touching it. I don't understand this phenomenon. I brushed it just before I left! There is very little wind today...how? what?

Maybe because it's unusually warm out today and a bit humid that my clothes and hair have revolted against me.

I think I can hide behind my desk most of the day and avoid any interaction with other people and no one will notice.

I remembered a strip from the cartoon Peanuts. Pig Pen gets a crush on a girl, so he gets himself all cleaned up. Takes a bath, puts on new shiny clothes, combs his hair and he looks great! Then he takes ONE STEP...and the dirt just jumps on him and attacks and he is back to his old self again.

It's going to be one of those days...I can just tell.

They're baaaaack

Nudge, nudge.

Huh?

what?

"Mom! wake up! There is something crawling in the insulation in the basement!"

Wha? Huh?

Nudge, nudge.

"MOM! WAKE UP!"

What?

"There is something crawling around in the insulation in the basement!!!"

Fa-king A - I just got to sleeeeeep! ugh

I grudgingly trodded downstairs to the basement where my daughter was multi-tasking: watching TV, IM'ing her friends on the computer, texting her friends on her side kick.

She calmly pointed up towards the ceiling where you could actually see...the padding of the insulation "moving".

I rubbed my eyes...looked again. I asked her to turn down the TV.

scritch, scratch...scratch.

"It's kind of creepy" she nonchalantly tells me.

I nod - still fairly groggy.

Ugh.

"Looks like the mice are back again" I tell her.

"Yup...looks like it. I just wanted to let you know."

:::sigh:::

"Ok...thanks. I'll take care of it in the morning"

"Ok! Good night!"

"Good night!" I kissed her on the head and padded back upstairs and went to bed.

M murmured sleepily: "What's going on?"

"The mice are back." I tell her as I get back under the covers.

"No way!"

"Way...I'll take care of it in the morning."

"shit"

"uh huh...sneaky little bastards they are." I whisper as I snuggle back in. "Good night again."

"g'night."

We go to bed with visions of vermin running through our heads!

In the morning I re-baited the traps.

Last night as I was sitting at my computer I could hear them gnawing at the poison. Victory and defeat all at the same time.

None of us are happy about killing the mice, but they weren't invited and we don't really have a choice.

:::sigh:::

Poor little bastards.

Quote for Monday

We,

the unwilling,

led by the unknowing,

are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.

We have done so much,

for so long,

with so little,

we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

Mother Teresa

Password hell

Today I am in freakin' password hell.

My pin # for my ATM card doesn't work for some mysterious reason.

I'm having some computer troubles, so I attempted to log into the web site were I purchase my new laptop and finally needed them to set me a NEW password because none of the standard 3 or 4 that I usually use didn't seem to work.

I have 4 or 5 different passwords at work:

One to get on to my computer that changes every 60 days or so, then I have several different "online" programs that I need to access when I am working from home. Every time I forget one of these...they reset it, but of course it can't be anything close to a former password, so I have to create an entirely NEW one and since it's not one of the 3 or 4 passwords that I like to use...I always forget it.

I could write these down and stash them somewhere, but I think that is counter intuitive to the whole "secure password" idea.

The passwords you have to re-set after 60 days really get on my nerves. You've gone through your repertoire of commonly used passwords, then you start using your pets names, or looking at things on your desk, of course you always have to stick a number in there and now some passwords want you to mix up the upper case and lower case letters.

Brilliant...I just had a password reset and I got an e-mail telling me that they don't have me in their database. Now I have to figure out which e-mail I used to create this freakin' account.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Brain Fog

I called my boss around 3:00 today and told her I was taking the rest of the day off. I am having a horrible case of brain fog today. More so than my usual scatterbrainedness - and it has me a bit concerned.

Called the Doc about my meds, she told me to cut the dosage in half and see how I do and to keep my follow up appointment with her on Monday. By then they should have my blood work back and we'll see how the Lyme disease is doing.

Today - I fluctuated between freezing with chills and sweating bullets, feeling nauseous, fuzzy headed, sleepy, agitated, irritated, buzzing head, achy and downright...blech.

This shit has got to stop.

I literally feel like I'm losing my mind. Maybe I am.

Maybe it's not me really typing this, but someone else?

My neurotic dog isn't making it any easier on me today. He's in a barking mood and when he's in that mood, the only thing that will stop him from barking is for me to make him lay next to me and hold his little mouth closed until he calms himself down.

We both need prozac.

The other dog - he's happy in his own stupidity. He is just simple...and carefree. Just rub his belly, feed him and let him chase the squirrles and he's content.

I wish I was him today.

Arrrrggggghhhh

I'm having a major hissy fit at the moment. I have work to do...work, work. Not weekend "stuff around the house work" but actual work that pays the bills and my computer is acting funky. My wireless mouse and keyboard decided to go on the fritz and I have some graphic stuff to do and it's much easier with a mouse. I went out to buy a new keyboard and mouse and found it way too expensive for me at the moment and so I'm resolved to do it on the laptop touchpad which is fine...but I'm just not happy about it.

I'm in a really, pissy mood.

The meds I am on are really fucking with my brain...I can't sleep...I have a headache, dry mouth, dry eyes - ugh. I just don't need this right now. I really, really don't.

I think this is the grown up version of a temper tantrum.

wah

wah

wah

whine

whine

whine

arg