Sunday, December 16, 2007

Holiday Eating Tips

Someone sent this to me in an e-mail....I thougt I'd pass it along!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean , have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season.


The Village Carpenter said...

I concur.
My motto: Life's too short to not eat chocolate!

LG said...

I believe #'s 3 and 4 were written specifically with me in mind. I love mashed potatoes!

Maria said...

Oh, good hell...I love this post for so many reasons. Mostly because I just got done talking to my sister (who is on a diet and full of tips like, "eat a small healthy meal before you go to a christmas party so that you will not be tempted to splurge...") and I swear she sucks all the joy out of the season.....

d. chedwick bryant said...

Hee, hee hee--someone e mailed me these tips last year, and I passed them around--excellent tips!

re: perfume for the holidays-- a great gift.
you mentioned clean scents-- have you ever tried these?

Inis by perfumes of Ireland (rainy beach fresh)

Sand and Sable--I got a bottle for 5 bucks, and I call it "gerdenia and tuberose go for a walk on a very windy beach." the floral is not overpowering.

For sparkly clean I like Champs Elysees

for soapy clean I like Chanel No 5 Elixer Senselle OIL-- a little right after a bath --the stuff lasts for a long time..

Herba Fresca by Guerlain-- like being in a breezy meadow on a summer day.

but you know, trying new stuff is fun--and free!
I start my christmas shopping by trying a new scent.

sorry tocomment on all this on a food post!

gardenias and gravy--now that's a surefire weighloss recipe.

d. chedwick bryant said...

that's elixir sensuelle... or somfing like that.

Identity Mixed said...

I am a master at #7.

Shazza said...

You know what is really sad Carpenter gal? Chocolate is starting to upset my stomach!'s too depressing to talk about.

Does the meal come with potatoes? That is a standard Irish creed LG! The perfect 7 course Irish meal: a six pack and a potato! With M in my life, she has introduced me to rice and beans since she is Puerto Rican.'s either rice or potatoes, but those starches will be there!

Maria - I could eat a healthy small meal before I went to a party and still park my butt down and stuff my face!

Thanks for the ideas Chedwick, you are a clever one! I actually have Inis - I bought it in Ireland too!

Identity - you take one side of the table and I'll take the other and we shall divide and conquer!

Wyldth1ng said...

I have reread this a few times, it hasn't helped yet.