Monday, October 12, 2009

Hello ol' friend

It's been a while.

It almost seems weird to be here. What used to be a place I went to almost every day has become strange anymore.

Damn Facebook.

That instant gratification gets me every time.

I still don't get the whole twitter thing though. That is just weird.

So, what have I been up to lately? Eh...not much and a lot at the same time. I'm still unemployed but am not as panicked as I was two months ago when I wasn't sure I was going to get an extension of my benefits (I did). I've lost a bit of weight, joined a gym, have gotten a few house projects done - still have a few more that I need to do, but it will happen. I'm taking a class at my local community college - some day I'll be a college graduate! Before I'm 50 if I'm lucky!

There are all those little things in life that happens on a daily basis that unless you are Seinfeld are neither interesting or funny.

Rick and Cait have settled in somewhat. Rick went on tour with his band shortly after they moved in so he hasn't been here all that much.

Margie is good. Still dealing with the little bitch troll from hell at work.

The woman is under 5 feet tall and has a horrible Napoleon complex.

Margie seems to be her favorite target. She likes to manage by fear but it's hard to take her serious because she's a freakin' nutcase.

If she didn't make Margie's life so miserable I would say she is too insignificant to mention. Just another middle manager who kisses upper managements ass to make herself look good.

Nasty little person.

I've met some new friends. Started painting again - all of that feels good.

Feels like my life is changing in a more positive direction. Positive in the way that I it's moving the way I would like it to be.

This is good yes?

Two of the new friends I met at a party and we hit it off instantly. Two lesbians that have been together for a while and have children. Very similar to Margie and I. It's always nice to know another couple like that around here. One is an artist - a painter and the other worked for a large corporate business for over 14 years and then one day was told she was being laid off...escorted to her desk and asked to empty it out and leave.

After 14 years!

WTF?!

Now - she and her partner are opening up a small business and have asked me if I would like to work for them.

HELL YEAH!

The place is called the Cookie Cab and they will deliver fresh WARM cookies to your door!

They have a little store front in a downtown area near here which will be like a small bakery/cafe for the folks immediately around town but they want to push the delivery side of the business.

Just think about having warm delicious cookies delivered to your door on a chilly night when you are just craving something sweet but you don't have anything in the cupboards to satisfy you!

Mmmmmmmmm....mmmmmmmmm!

So much for the weight I've lost! HA!

Another new friend I've made is in my English class. She is just a few years younger than I am and is from Georgia (the country, not the state) and has been in the US since 1997. Our professor assigned us as "study buddies" on the first night and we hit it off pretty well. Her English is OK. She is still learning. Especially what is considered slang. I've been to her home a few times to review our lessons and to try to help her interpret what we are reading and discuss the stories.

She is very bright, but she struggles. She is still translating what she reads into her native language and then back into English and often reads things quite literally.

As a person who can only speak one language - I cannot even imagine how difficult this is.

She is very eager to learn - to make a better life for herself here in this country.

She works hard.

Her hard work sometimes makes me realize how much I take advantage of what I have in my life.

My life in a "free country".

She told me once: "I cannot wear pants in Georgia or I am a whore. I cannot drive in Georgia...or I am a whore. You get married and you give up your education because you are expected to stay home and take care of the house and the children and the husband."

I can't even wrap my head around this.

She was so proud when she got her U.S. citizenship and her driver's license she thought that nothing could stop her now!

How can you not admire someone like that?

When I go to her house to study with her she always feeds me. It's her way of being grateful for my help. She makes an awesome pizza, from scratch! She made me two extra pies to take home with me.

I've gained almost 2 pounds this week!

Tonight our class was cancelled. Our teacher said there was a family emergency. My new friend - her name is Maia, had another class to go to but it wouldn't start for another 1 1/2 hours. She didn't know what to do with herself so I invited her to the student center and thought we could go over the story we read and perhaps chat a little.

I also felt the need to "come out" to her. I like her and would like to be friends with her beyond our English class.

Coming out to someone is strange for me.

When my ex-husband and I seperated and I came out to all of my "friends" I realized that they weren't friends at all. I have not spoken to any of them since I came out.

That was painful.

I expected a few of them to naturally have a hard time with it. Here is a person you think you know then all of a sudden...maybe you don't really know them.

After that experience I threw myself into the "gay life" and just surrounded myself with "gay friends" and stuck rainbows on my car and did the whole "out and proud" thing for a while.

When some asshole called me a fucking dyke in my car with my kids in it...the rainbows came off.

If you have a problem with me...fine, but don't get into it around my kids.

For the most part I am not a closeted person. One look at me and you would probably guess that I am gay.

I get called "sir" a lot.

Coming out at the work place is fine. I didn't really care if my co-workers knew or not - but when I build a personal relationship with someone, someone I think I will see outside of the workplace or outside of a classroom it's a whole different place in my head.

It's letting yourself be vulnerable.

To...whatever? Prejudice! Religious views. Hate? Fear? Loss. Ignorance.

I don't do the whole vulnerable thing very well.

I guess there aren't too many people who do really.

Most of us are very guarded.

With good reason.

Sometimes it's just "no one else's business."

Sometimes there are scars.

Whatever the case may be...it's not an easy thing to reveal a part of your personal self to someone else. I always hold my breath a little whenever I come out to someone. You can never really predict how they will handle it.

As Maia and I were chatting, I told her that I wanted to tell her something. That if we were to continue a friendship there is something about me she should know.

I told her I was gay.

She said she guessed that I was, but it was really none of her business and it was my private/personal life.

I've heard this before.

Sometimes it comes out OK...sometimes - not so much.

She became a little nervous - but then shared with me some of her life in Georgia and some of her life here.

Her struggles.

How tired she is.

She let herself be vulnerable for a while.

We learned a lot about each other tonight. I think we are both good people and will have a good friendship.

We will both process all of the information we shared tonight and think about it over the next day or so.

Our next class is Wednesday night.

So...I hold my breath a little.

Maia is a good person...a nice person. I would like to have her as a friend in my life.

I hope she feels the same.

7 comments:

the only daughter said...

Yay on making new friends. The cookie ladies ... mmmmmm yum.

Keeping a good thought that you and Maia can bear one another's truths and find a path to continue your friendship. She sounds like an amazing woman and you're the bees knees. :)

Maria said...

All you can do is sit back on your heels and watch to see what happens. I hate having to do that and it seems silly, doesn't it? Yet, we have do this over and over again...

Sigh.

The Village Carpenter said...

Been there. Sympathize. I hope Maia is cool with everything, because she could lose the friendship of a really great person if she isn't.

neetzy said...

Sis,

Only time will tell with Maia. I'm sure she values your friendship. Just remember she's coming from a really oppressive society. That might color her opinions and actions more than you can appreciate. Give her time.

I appreciate your heartfelt post. I'm glad you are enjoying school. Graduating at 50 is an amazing goal. I finished school at 44 and started teaching at 45. Now it is in vogue to be going back to school.

The cookie delivery sounds great and makes me hungry. Yum.

presbyfruit said...

Me too about the cookies. And the going-back-to-school bit.

Any updates about Maia? I respect your courage; it's still uncomfortable for me to come out, after 21 years.

Shazza said...

Deborah - bee knees! Thank you!

Maria - it does seem silly yes.

Kari - Thank you very much!

Anita - I'll send you some samples!

Shazza said...

Presby - I had class last night and Maia seemed fine. So...I'll take it as a good sign!