Thursday, September 25, 2008

Shoot the bunny

Air Biscuit
Purple Haze
Pass Wind
Pass Gas


Whatever you call them...farts are funny!

Why else would we find putting a whoopie cushion under Aunt Jezebels seat so hilarious.

Kids love farts and when they learn how to push them out on command, they do it all the time. Boys more than girls, but I've known some girls....oy!

Farts are a natural occurrence.

They are conversation starters and conversation breakers.

Some are so proud to show off their farting abilities while others are horrified to even admit that they do it.

And - for the record - EVERYONE FARTS.

Someone who tells you that they never fart is a BIG FAT LIAR!

They may not fart in front of anyone, but they fart.

If you didn't, you would spontaneously combust.

We say weird things when people fart:

"Better out than your eye!" was my Grandpa Harrison's favorite. I'm not sure what that means really - he was filled with stuff like that. He also claimed he saw the wee people when he was a boy in Ireland. (ok Grandpa!)

"Pull my finger" - where the hell did that come from and why do people do that?

There are the two sayings: "Whoever denied it supplied it" and it's companion; "Whoever smelled it dealt it."

We sing songs about farts: Beans, beans, are good for your heart, the more you eat, the more you fart, the more you fart, the better you feel, so eat your beans at every meal!

We tell jokes about farts: Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and said, "My butt is going to sleep!" The other replied: "I know, I heard it snore three times."

There is a pivotal moment in any relationship where someone breaks the ice and is the first one to fart in front of the other. I was the proud owner of that claim between M and I. I blamed it on a non-existent duck that was flying over head. We both cracked up and then breathed a sigh of relief.

11 years later, let's just say we vary between being grossed out and laughing so hard we can have a fart fest!

A Dutch Oven is a purely male invention which I never got. This is where you are laying in bed with your lover, the guy farts and the pulls the covers of the girls head and makes her smell it.


There are SBD's - Silent but Deadly
Squeakers - high pitched trumpet sounding
Loud and reverberating farts
Farts with little surprise endings

I could go on and on and everyone has at least one funny fart story to tell, but I never knew farting could get you arrested!

Poor Jose A. Cruz was pulled over for driving without his headlights. He failed his sobriety tests and was brought in for a breathalyzer.

As an office was preparing the machine, Jose let one rip and then fanned it towards the officer.

""The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged."

Along with driving under the influence and driving without headlights he was charged with battery and 2 counts of obstruction.

Why did he do it?

To quote Jose so eloquently: "I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

Better out than your eye Jose!


Tom said...

It reminds me of a book Neetzy gave me called, "Fart Proudly" by (the) Ben Franklin. Why this writing is a lost gem is beyond me. In it, he basically asks,Why waste energy holding it in? Take pride from that which originates from inside you and be glad that you're asserting yourself whenever you decide to break wind in a croweded room.
And Purple Haze... I had no idea that's what Jimi was singing about. Air Biscuit has been one of the favorites around here since I discovered it on the Urban Dictionary. Don't forget about blaming it on the dog. Poor Emily has been blamed for more smells than Perth Amboy.

neetzy said...

"Bomber" was our family's favorite fart term. (oooh, I love spontaneous alliteration!) Do you believe I had a fart discussion with my homeroom students today? The class meeting topic was "Rudeness". We discussed rude things that students and teachers do to each other. Farting in close proximity was 3rd on the list. My student teacher shared a Youtube video about creatures (dinosaurs and a pig) farting and emitting green haze (Sorry Jimi).

Vic Hubbard said...

It's funny how different areas of the country come up with slightly different sayings. Our little ditty was " Beans,beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel, so eat them beans at every meal."
The saying we use to feel OK about farting is, "It's better to fart and feel the shame, than not to fart and feel the pain."
And, of course, another specific fart term: Crop dusting.
That's where you let a SBD in a public place like a supermarket aisle and let it drift behind you.

dive said...

Hee hee hee, Shazza.
Lucky for you the wind won't carry this one across the Atlantic.

Shazza said...

Tom - There's a theme in the books that Neetzy gives. Didn't she give Dad a book called Walter the Farting Dog?

Neetzy - High School kids think farts are hilarious!

Vic - I LOVE THAT! Crop dusting has now been added to my vocabulary! Thank you!

Dive - HA! There are advantages to having a big ocean between us!

Poetikat said...

A couple of observations:

First, it wasn't until I was on my honeymoon and my husband had a pint of Guinness that I learned what I was in store for! It's been one hilarious moment after another since then!

One of our favourite quotes comes from an Irish movie (they love to be free with their wind, don't they)? One of the characters lets one go and says, "Ah, 'tis a sad arse that can't rejoice!)

Isn't that the truth?