I need a list

A list of things to talk about in this months session with Counselor G.

If anyone has ever been to therapy perhaps they can relate - but there are times when I have absolutely NOTHING to say and then there are other times when I'm just getting warmed up and my 45 minutes are up.

Counselor G has suggested that I write things down to talk about - ok. I've done that in the past and it does work, but when you only go once a month and you write things down almost every day - that's a lot of "stuff".

So I try to make a bullet pointed list.

::::drumming fingers::::

This comes from that Virgo side of me - the list maker. It also comes from many, many years as an administrative ass. Write down the important stuff - don't worry about the little stuff.

I had a boss - ex-military guy who wanted all communique to him in bullet pointed lists.

Then in true bureaucratic fashion he would print up the e-mail/list and walk over to your desk and re-hash the list with you. THen go back to his desk and send you a reply in his own long winded un-bullet pointed, reconstituted version of the same story. Only this time it came from Him so it was right.

I'm sure everyone knows at least one person like this in their lives.

As I get older I realize I need more lists.

Actually it's usually just one list - kind of like an extended "to do" list.

I have the "Overall" to do list: paint the laundry room, new refridgerator, call the plumber, yada, yada, yada.

Then I drill it down to the daily list: wake up, take a shower, eat your breakfast, take your vitamins, go to the store....which drills down to what to buy at what store. Grocery store or general store like Target etc.

In there somewhere is always the "honey do" list. Things Margie may have asked me to do for her during the day. Call the vet, go to the post office that sort of thing.

Everything runs along very smoothly in my life with my little lists.

Written down on little scraps of paper, post it notes, on the white board in the kitchen or in a journal. I have lists every where.

Once in a while - I lose my list.

CRAP!

What did I need from the store? Olive oil, ground beef, eggs and what? toothpaste? Foil? toiletpaper?

Why is it that last item you can't remember is always the one thing you needed most?

I've put my list in my coat pocket and then reached in and took out the list from the week before and has a vague sense of deja vu until I'm halfway through the list and think: D'oh!!!

Appointments are the new lists in my life. It's not that I always remembered my appointments before, but now it's that I have too many appointments to remember which one is when!

Doctor(s) - various
Dentist
Counselor
Electrolysis
Vet
Meetings with friends
Work - since it's so sporadic these days

I never thought I would have to keep a calendar - but now I do.

Now I need a list to list all of the things that I need a list for!

(Ok...you knew that was coming, so sue me)

This is all part of the aging process and part of life. I remember my Grandmother having lists every where - then my parents...now me.

I wonder - is it because of failing memory or because I have too much going on or a combination of both.

Selective memory plays a part too.

I will remember a lunch date before I will remember an appointment for the dentist!
(Pleasure vs. pain)

Everything will be fine....

unless of course I lost my lists!

HA!

The mind...

getting older...

Do you worry about your mind?

Is it playing tricks? Is it age? Information overload? Something else?

Should I really care if I AM losing my mind?

While writing this post I was thinking of a movie that Margie and I watched a while back called: Young@Heart

It is a chorus of seniors singing contemporary songs. It's a great movie and I think it may alleviate some fears about getting older. It may make your fears worse - but all in all it's a movie about life.

Spirit

Fun

Getting old

Failing memories

Enjoying the life you have!

Here's a clip from the movie. I hope you enjoy it and if you have a chance to rent it please do. I think it will definitely make you smile!



If you search around YouTube - check out "I want to be Sedated" it's great!

Peace all!

Changes of attitude

A few years ago, I had a counselor who was in her early 50's and going through "the change". During one session, we were talking about how a woman's changes quite a bit after she turns 40. I think it applies to most people at the age of 40 actually.

Along with the physical changes: eye sight worsens, weight gain, achey backs, creaky knees, adult acne, wrinkles, grey hair etc, there are the psychological changes. These are so different to each individual, but she was sharing with me that once she hit 45, things started to bother her less. The "I don't give a fuck" attitude started to creep in. It was also more of a change in her view of things as well: kids riding their skateboards along the sidewalks in shopping centers use to really bother her and she had no problems telling them that they were a nuisance. As she went through this change, it became more of a waste of energy to get angry at such things.

What did it really matter anyway? They weren't skateboarding where people were actually walking, they found an area that was kind of a dead space. If someone did walk by, they stopped and let them through and then continued on when they passed.

No harm to anyone.

The point of this conversation was to show me how to look at things a bit differently. Road rage was something that used to be a problem for me. I am, I will admit, an assertive driver! My goal is to get from Point A to Point B in the least amount of time possible. If you impede my passage, you will get the evil eye, the one finger salute, some nasty epithets and a honk of my horrible horn.

I am starting to learn, at 44 years old, that there are things that aren't in your control! Hitting every red light imaginable, getting stuck in a traffic jam, car problems, getting stuck behind someone S-L-O-W, police cars to name a few.

I did a little experimenting with my commute to see how the outcome was effected.

My drive to work is 87 miles one way. In the mornings, traffic is seldom an issue. My commute is mostly highway so traffic lights are only a problem at the beginning and end of my trip. On an average day, it takes me approximately 1 hour and 35 minutes from my house to the parking garage. My average speed is 75 - 80 mph, depending on how many speed traps I see on the way.

The way home is a little longer time wise because I have to deal with traffic coming out of the city and there are a few bottlenecks that I have to go through. One average, it only adds another 5 - 10 minutes to my commute.

Trying to be aware of how aggressive I normally drive, I attempted to slow down a bit, be a little more courteous to my fellow drivers, loosen up my grip on the steering wheel and over all just try to relax. If someone cut me off, I didn't blow up. If someone drives under the speed limit in the passing lane, I just went around them and didn't give them the evil eye. When Speedy Gonzalez comes up behind me flashing his lights...I move over and let him pass. If I got stuck in traffic or if I just missed that light because the car in front of me is not in the same hurry that I am, I kept telling myself...I will still get there.

And you know what? I still got there.

The difference in time from door to parking garage and parking garage to door...minimal. 2 - 3 minutes.

I am less stressed, calmer, more relaxed.

This change has come very slow mind you, and I still find that assertive NJ driver coming out at times, because you have to admit it...some people just drive like fucking idiots!

Overall though, I am trying to be more aware of how I look at things and little by little it is working.

"I don't give a fuckedness" is not a solution to everything, but it sure does help with some of the less important things that I don't have any control over.

The Old Married Farts on New Years Eve

It's been years since M and I have attended a New Years eve party. I used to go to the clubs when I was younger and on the prowl and I thought I was all that, now the crowds and the noise just annoys me. The few times we actually go to night clubs anymore we feel like the oldest people there. I know we aren't; there are others our same age and older - it just seems that way.

There was a time when we used to have friends over for a low keyed get together. We've gotten out of that habit as well. I find a lot of people we know don't like to be out on the roads driving on New Years Eve. We don't really drink like we used to (if we drink at all) and we don't want to be out on the roads with the idiots who overindulge.

Still - we have our own little New Years Eve routine though. We rent a few movies to keep us entertained, buy a bunch of food that is really bad for us: our last meal before the new diet of the New Year! play some games: trivia mostly (M is a trivia fiend but somehow I hold my own against her and actually win occasionally) and then try to keep each other awake until midnight!

Crazy aren't we?

Every once in a while I think it may be nice to go out for New Years Eve and whoop it up! I just don't have the energy or the inclination anymore! M doesn't either.

We really are old married farts and we're content this way.

Standard Equipment

I just returned from an overnight business trip.

As on most trips, I always forget something. ALWAYS...not matter how careful I think I am being.

This trip was no exception but the item left behind on this particular trip was - my tweezers.

As a peri-menopausal woman who is of Irish/English heritage, tweezers are standard equipment in the fight against poky chin hairs!

This is a constant, daily battle with me.

It is almost an obsession.

Once I feel one of these whisker like protuberances break through it's follicle, I am there to pluck it!

Anyway - I felt one such hair on my drive to the hotel last night.

Of course when I am aware of one of these pesky projections...I can't stop playing with it. By the time I got to the hotel...I had a large red blotch on my chin. Nothing like calling attention to a poky chin hair than surrounding it with a big red blotch!

I run up to my room...grab my toiletry bag...NO TWEEZERS!

Aaaagggghhh!

Then I thought...well...maybe I can pull it out with just my fingernails in a pincher like fashion.

Two things wrong with that scenario -

1. I keep my nails really short
2. Peri-menopausal chin hairs have very stubborn and very long roots.

I was going to have to wait until I got home.

Luckily the red spot that surround the microscopic hair that only I can feel but could not see, was gone in the morning. I almost had to sit on my hands during my meeting so I didn't start playing with the damn thing all over again.

:::sigh:::

Time to make that electrolysis appointment that I keep putting off.

Kids

I have 2 kids....well...they aren't kids anymore, actually today is my "baby's' 20th birthday.

Wow.

Looking back, everything seems like it happened so fast, but there were times when I couldn't wait for them to grow up and out of certain stages of their lives: diapers, learning the word "No", asking the question "why", puberty and adolescence, defying authority, finding their voices, slaves to fashion, the great debates etc.

It just whizzes by...it really does.

Someone asked me once: "Don't you wish they were still little and you could still cuddle with them?"

I will admit, that I do get nostalgic for it at times, but no, I don't want to go back to that time...I am glad they are all grown up now. It's the beauty of life...experiencing these different phases and watching how they develop and handle these on their own now.

Since my son moved to Chicago to go to school out there, it's amazing how he's learn to survive on his own. He throws in the occasional, "I was down to my last $2 and have been eating granola bars and mac and cheese for 5 days in a row.", but he has only asked me for money on occasion. The Mom in me wants to just give him money to help him out, but the parent in me says - He's OK. This is a lesson; a problem he needs to work out. It's part of being an adult.

My daughter...she may need a little more "tough love" in this department. She's going to school locally and is still living at home. Mom is still an ATM to her at times and perhaps since she is "the baby" I tend to give in more to her. I have to start saying No and letting her get used to it. I think we will both have a hard time with it!

M is not their parent, but she has been a part of their lives for nearly 11 years now. She has never really tried to parent them, but my children directly affect our lives and she has done well to let me know if there is something going on that she is uncomfortable with. My kids love and respect her and I think that is what you ultimately hope for. We are a family.

Anyway - Happy Birthday to my "baby" girl.

Getting older

I just relized that I groan when I stand up!!!

When the hell did that happen?

I turn 44 and all of a sudden I'm a groaner?

Ohhhhhhhhh...this is soooooooooooo not happening.

Parents

It's true I'm missing you
As I stand alone in your room
Everyday that will pass you by
Every name that you won't recall
Everything that you made by hand
Everything that you know by heart
And I will try to connect
All the pieces you left
I will carry it on
And let you forget
And I'll remember the years
When your mind was clear
How the laughter and life
filled up this silent house

M has to fly to Puerto Rico this weekend because they need to put her Mom into a Care Facility for Alzheimer's Patients.

These are those moments in life when you become the parent to your own parents and need to look out for them as they did for us when we were young and vulnerable.

J was a school teacher in Puerto Rico. She received her degree later in life, after her kids were grown because it was something she wanted to do. You have to admire that. Even though Puerto Rico isn't a backward island, in her lifetime, women were almost expected to stay home and raise the children and not go to work. Well, when she was done with that...she decided it was her time for her life and she went out and went to college.

The very first time I met J was 2 weeks after Hurricane Georges hit the island. Most of the island was still without power, and they were still in the early phases of the clean up. I remember when we were landing and all of the leaves were stripped off the trees and plants which made it look like the island was hit with a massive fire. M gave her Mom a CD of some 80's pop tunes and she started singing and dancing as she read the names of the songs on the CD. J loves to sing and dance. I think that is what makes her the happiest.

On that same trip, their apartment was on the 8th floor of an apartment building. They only had power for emergency items such as their refrigerators etc. The elevator was not working, so we had to walk up 8 flights of stairs. She was in her 60's at the time, I was still in my 30's. She walked up those stairs without sweating a bead. I was huffing and puffing and thought my lungs were going to collapse and my knees were going to give out.

So now, this once strong vital and sharp woman is slowly turning into a child by a disease that robs children of their parents not once...but twice. First is that they don't always remember who you are and of course the second will be when she leaves us completely.

M is sad and scared and although she does not want to move back to Puerto Rico, wishes that she lived closer so she can visit her Mom more often.

M wonders if her Mom will recognize her when she sees her.

We put together a little photo album of us and the dogs and our house that she can take with her to her new home. She may not always remember who the faces in the photos are, but I think she will enjoy looking at them. I'll probably put some pictures of flowers in there too...she loves flowers.

I wish I could go with M, but this is something she needs to do with her family and I may just add some confusion to her Mom and I don't' want to do that.

I will be here when she gets back and hold her because these are those times when words just won't be what is needed.

Maid, Mother, Crone

I am entering into the "Crone" phase of my life. I don't mind it really. I deal with the grey hair with dye, the lines around my eyes give me some "personality" and the things I have learned in my 44 years on this earth are priceless.

My children are grown up and even though one is still living at home, they are both going to college and have their own lives now.

For the most part...I think I'm handling the aging process pretty well. There is just a few little things that are driving me nuts:

Hot flashes - GEEZ LOUEEEEZZZE - what the fa? Sometimes it's like a ball of fire being thrown at your face, or it could just be a slow gradual warming sensation, but the one that drives me nuts is the instantaneous burst of sweat over your entire body. EEEGADS! One minute you're talking to someone...next minute your panting...sweat dripping from your boobs and forehead. Fuckin' A

Then...I get the chills as the sweat dries.

I put a fan on me or crank up the AC when they come...then I get up to turn off the fan or the AC when I start to freeze.

Now mind you...my partner, M, is just a wee bit older than I am and experiencing similar peri-menopausal conditions. Bedtime is LOADS of fun! Covers on...covers off. Feet in...feet out. AC blasting...AC OFF.

Of course we don't have these occurrences at the same time so we do this odd sort of dance with our bed linens all night long. I have been spare the sopping wet night sweats where you wake up and you are literally are soaked to the skin in perspiration, but unfortunately M has not been as fortunate.

So when you hear that older womyn are HOT...they mean it...literally!

Another thing I don't deal well with is certain foods. Foods I used to love and enjoy when I was younger...I can no longer tolerate. They either upset my stomach, make me blow up like a balloon, constipate me or just the opposite. I used to have a cast iron stomach...not too much would bother me...not anymore. Plus - I gain weight just by looking at food now. That's fun. I drooled as my daughter who is model thin was eating this delicious looking pastry in front of me the other morning. She offered me some, but mindful of my diet...I declined. The evil Mom in me thought - "just wait missy...your metabolism will catch up to you too!"

I was never the one to use the salt much on foods, but now I'm very sodium sensitive. I enjoy going out to eat, but most of the foods at the restaurants have so much sodium on then that I can feel my blood pressure rise and I bloat up!

Being of Irish descent, potatoes or some sort of carbohydrate was always at a meal - not anymore. My partner is from Puerto Rico where yummy rice and beans and Arroz con Pollo comes from.

RICE....BEANS....gastronomic disaster!!!

All in all though, these are just small annoyances. Things do not bother me as much as they did when I was younger, I see life in a different perspective now. I slow down...enjoy little moments. I'm definitely not in any rush to get older anymore, but I don't want to live til' I'm 90 either. Unless I'm healthy and spry.

I laugh much easier these days too. Why the hell not? Laughing is much more fun than worrying.

I'm older, but I'm not grown up yet. We baby boomers are holding onto our youthful ways far longer than our parents did that is for sure. I don't think I'll ever grow up...I have grown up moments, but I try not to stay there too long. It doesn't fit my personality.