It's like riding a bike

It's been over 2 years since I've painted anything other than basement walls. I was very nervous about the whole thing. Actually it was more like fear. That fear has kept me from doing something that I really enjoy.

Painting.

It's not like I was jumping out of an airplane or climbing a mountain - but still the fear was there.

Minds -they do funny things sometimes.

For months I have worked hard on unblocking myself and conquering my fear. I've been reading books and other artist blogs.

Excuses kept popping up here and there and found their way between me and my paint brushes. (excuses are like assholes...everyone has one and they all stink!)

Yesterday I kept repeating the Nike mantra: Just Do It.

Just Do It, Just Do It,Just Do It,Just Do It,Just Do It.

So I did!

The first little painting was just a pop artsy kind of thing. Something I doodled on a post it note one day and thought it would look good as a painting. I got kind of sloppy with it and the lines aren't as crisp as I would like them but it was a fun warm up exercise.



The next one was an experiment in schmearing colors with a palette knife. Something I've never done before. Unfortunately I used a little too much stand oil so it came out a little runny but I think this qualifies for the blob I wanted to paint.

I like the colors at least. Kind of reminds me of my palette after I've been painting a while.



This last one was just something I wanted to try. I have always curious about portraits. I love to study faces. The small laugh lines or creases along the forehead. The cheeks and nostrils. Mouths, eyes...everything. I find them infinitely fascinating.

Rummaging around my photos I came across one of my Dad that I took when we were in Ireland. We were waiting for a shuttle to take us to the Cliffs of Moher I believe. It was misty and grey and he just stood there staring into space deep in thought.

So...my brain said...give it a go. If you don't like it, paint over it. No one will have to know!

But I like it...a lot. And I am very unforgiving about my art.

This isn't 100% finished. I just have a few touches to do, but it was getting late and my eyes were getting a bit blurry and so I stopped and will let it dry for a few days and then just add a few things.

Here he is. I hope you like him.

If you don't that's ok too. I do!

Now I have the painting bug so I will try to tackle a few more this week if I can.

Have a great weekend!

Chaos

Just when I had the basement organized and the garage cleaned out we now have boxes piled up and chaos about the house.

:::just breath:::

I'm trying.

Luckily the weather is nice. I can go outside...take a deep breath.

The basement walls have been sealed and the framing has started. Caitlin packed most of the boxes and helped seal the walls. Rick and his Dad were here to start the framing.

Rick took a lunch break for a bit and sat with Caitlin and chatted together. I have to admit it - it was sweet to watch them together. Talking...bickering a little. They are good for each other.

This makes this transition easier.

It's still an adjustment and this is just the beginning. They haven't moved in yet.

Stay tuned!

Just float

Breathe deep....inhale.........exhale.

Changes are good - they rattle you up. Take you out of your comfort zone and give you a new challenge to tackle.

Most of the time I will agree with that theory because I don't like to get settled into one thing for too long. Restlessness settles in.

During my unfortunate unemployment I've been trying to "mix it up a bit" by taking on different tasks that have needed to be done around the house. There are some projects that made me think "outside of the box" which was both wonderful and sometimes frustrating.

It's kept my mind from going to mush.

Recently I registered at a temp agency. Just for work. ANY kind of work. Something that will put me back in touch with the human species again.

The agency tests you on your office skills. You have 3 timed test for Microsoft Word, Excel and basic typing.

According to them - my skills with Word and Excel were "above average" for that office.

It was a nice little boast to the self esteem!

Then there was the typing test.

Typing - only 44 WPM!

I used to be at 60 WPM!!!

DANG!!!

Never mind - I'm just rusty. It will flow again once I can exercise my skills again.

Hmmmmmm....

I had an interview last week. It was up in Cambridge, MA. I hopped on a train in Trenton, NJ and it took me 5 hours to get there. The interview was about 2 hours and then 5 hours to get home.

Loooooong freakin' day.

I felt really good afterwards though and I'm crossing every body part that can be crossed that this is THE one.

The downside to the position is that I would have to drive to Somerset, NJ.

It's only 43 miles, compared to the 80 miles to Philly but it is 43 miles of NJ rage road driving it's kill or be killed traffic. The two major roads that I would be on: The Garden State Parkway (aka Garden State Parking lot) and 287 are infamous for traffic jams, aggressive drivers and speed traps.

I hate traffic. That is one of the few times in my life where anxiety gets the better of me.

But...I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't even have an offer yet.

Roommates.

We're getting 2!

I guess it's really only 1.

Daughter Caitlin and her boyfriend Rick are moving in.

I thought this would never happen.

Well...let me re-phrase that - I kind of hoped it wouldn't happen.

Is that terrible?

Nah, I don't think it's so terrible really.

Caitlin is 21. She's employed full time and goes to college part time. I had thought she was the independent one.

She has known Rick since High School. They've had this friendship/relationship thing going on and off for a few years now. Always more on the friendship side. Now they've been together for over 6 months.

Rick lives with his Dad and Step-Mom. Caitlin has been "living" there for a while now. We see her about once or twice a week maybe. The only time she comes home is to do laundry and hang out with me for a little bit and then she is gone again.

Silly me mentioned that they should just "fix up the basement and move in here" one time and "snap" that was all they needed!

(I need a censor for these things sometimes)

Before the economy tanked and I lost my job, Margie and I had dreams of buying that ol' farm house and raising Alpacas.

We've put that dream on the side burner now that I am unemployed and the housing market sucks the big one. We think in a year or two we can start looking again. I need a job and we need to make sure we can make enough on this house that we can use as equity on a new home. Otherwise what is the point?

Soooooooooooooo...Caitlin asked me when did we think we would move. I said, "Oh, probably not for a year to two."

Caitlin: "So, do you think Rick and I can finish off the basement and live there for a while and save up for our own place then?"

GULP!!!

So...here we are.

Caitlin and Rick are making plans for framing out and installing a drop ceiling into the basement and Margie and I are just in this weird moment of WTF?

Please - don't get me wrong. As far as "room mates" are concerned. I think they will be fantastic. BUT - as far as our vision for the immediate future...it has been sidelined.

I was getting used to the quiet.

The uninterrupted times when I could just chill. Margie could watch her baseball games or study and I could either sit on the back deck and watch the stars or read or futz around on the computer.

In the quiet.

Maybe a few interruptions by the dogs...but basically quiet.

Inhale........exhale.

Just float.

Photo of the week

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly fly the years

One season following another

Laden with happiness and tears

I remember the morning I took this picture. It was a brisk morning in March. I wanted to get to the boardwalk before the sun came up. I think I got out of bed around 4:30 in the morning. M probably murmured something like: "What the hell are you doing?"

The ocean has always been at my side since I was a baby. I grew up with the smell of the sea air and tidal changes. I don't know if I could ever move too far away from it.

When we were kids and we used to drive up to my Grandmothers house for holidays. She lived up in Bloomfield, NJ. A BIG difference to the southern NJ that I'm used to. On the way home my siblings and I would more than likely fall asleep since it was about a 2 hour drive home but as soon as we got around Exit 40 on the Garden State Parkway we could smell the coal tar coated pilings and salty sea air and it would wake us up because we knew we were close to home.

.....

Normally I post black and white photos, but this one popped into my head today when I went to a service for a neighbor's wife who passed away recently. Actually the song popped in first and then the photo.

Heidi was her name.

I only met her a few times. Mostly I chatted with her husband Ray.

M and I called him the little Amish guy because he had that mustache-less beard of white hair like the Amish do.

He is a very spry 70 something year old man. Always outside doing something. I watched him and his son put a new roof on his house. I've watched him replace all of the windows on his house by himself and he scared me to death when he single handledly (sp?) took down a 50 ft+ pine tree in his back yard. It took him about 2 weeks to complete it, but day after day I watched him climb up that tree and rig some kind of line to the branch he was cutting and HAND saw it off and slowly lower it down to the ground.

When I told him he nearly gave me a heart attack as I watched him, he just chuckled and waved his hand and said he knew what he was doing.

There is/was a hedge that separates our two yards. When M and I first moved in the hedge was about 8 feet tall and had slowly but surely replaced the wood fence that the previous owners of our house had put up.

It was a beautiful hedge. I'm not sure what kind of plant it is but it stayed green all year round and was just very calming to look at. I tried to keep up with Ray in to make sure my side pruned and neat.

Then one day I came home and the entire hedge was gone.

Just GONE!

All that was left was the bits and pieces of the old fence that lay between our two yards.

First I was kind of pissed of. I have two dogs who will run away any chance they can. Well, one will run the other will just follow him around and look kind of stupefied.

I had to rig up some kind of chicken wire temporary fence just to keep my dogs from running away.

I spoke to Ray the following day and he told me the reason why he took it down. It was too hard for him to keep up with and his wife was ill so he needed to take care of her, not the hedge.

He also offered to help me replace the old fence that had deteriorated over the years.

One of my neighbors offered to drive me to Home Depot to pick up the fence panels I needed. The posts were still in good shape so they didn't need to be replaced.

Then one sunny spring day Ray and I were up early and put the fence up together.

He also offered me cuttings from the old hedge to replant.

I did - it's growing very nicely. I won't let it grow 8ft on my side because it's too hard to prune back but it looks healthy and green.

We chatted as we worked. He was a carpenter and taught shop at one of the high schools nearby. He lived in the neighborhood most of his life. First at one house in our development where he layed all of the brick in the front of the house by himself and the next in the house that he and Heidi resided in which was a little smaller and easier to take care of.

It was a very nice day and he is very easy to work beside.

Heidi very rarely came out. I always wondered why.

I met her the first time when I went to return a pair of snips that he used to trim the hedge that must have fallen on our side of the yard.

She was so sweet with bright sparkling dark eyes.

She didn't say much, but let me in and called for Ray.

One summer night I remember talking to Ray over the fence (it's 6 Ft high). Heidi came out and she is so tiny she couldn't see over it so he propped her up on some cinder blocks so she could say Hi!

As her illness progressed, we saw less and less of Ray outside. He only came out to mow the lawn or do some simple maintenance.

Every once in a while I saw him pull out an upholstered chair from the house and Heidi would come out and sit and watch him tend to her garden which I found out later was her pride and joy.

M and I used see them walking hand and hand around the neighborhood and he would take her down to the Metedeconk river and sit on a bench and just gaze outat the water.

Later we would see him pushing her around in a wheel chair wrapped up warmly in blanket.

I saw Ray only occasionally over the past year. He was a very devoted husband and kept Heidi home throughout her illness. She had Alzheimer's.

It is not an easy illness to witness.

There was a woman who came to help Ray out once in a while so that he could run errands and take care of things and I'm sure to just get a break once in a while. She used to walk Heidi in front of her house and I would say hello to them. I gave Heidi a little squeeze of the hand one time.

I don't even know if she knew where she was at that point.

This past Monday I was working out in the yard and Ray peeked over the hedge that has been re-planted (very Artie Johnson like) and let me know that Heidi had passed away.

He stayed strong when he told me and invited me to her service.

I asked him how he was holding up and let him know that M's Mom has the same disease and it's horrible. We were both so touched at how he cared for her.

Today at the service I shook his hand and you could tell the day had been tough on him. So many people offering their condolences. It can be comforting and emotionally exhausting at the same time.

I listened to the stories that each of their children shared about their mother. Her great cooking. Her homemade ginger bread houses and all of the fine detail she added. The endless tins of holiday cookies she would make. Her garden and how she passed the seeds of her plants down to her daughter who shares the same passion as her mother did in tending to each plant.

The moment that everyone was in tears was when her youngest son Christopher played a recorded message from his answering machine of his Mother and Father singing Happy Birthday to him. He's kept it all this time.

Damn I wish I had brought tissues.

I dedicate this post to the memory of Heidi Bruker and wish her family sympathy and peace.

Back from Chicago

WE had a wonderful time!

I got to see my son graduate from Loyola University, I met his girlfriend of 2 years finally, we walked all over the place and saw lots of interesting things, we met a blog pal and just had a really nice weekend away!

Unfortunately I have so many things to catch up on today that I really can't do a full blog post but I'll leave you with a few pictures!

Here is M having a session with Bob Newhart near the Navy Pier!

My newly graduated son and his beautiful girlfriend!

Some guy doing some very odd things in Millenium park!

The Bean!

And an nice evening meeting Deborah from the Middle Girl Blog! I am in the center and M is on the right.

It was great meeting you Deborah!

We arrived back home early Sunday afternoon and just plopped. I took a nap (of course) and M watched baseball (naturally).

Now off I go to cut the grass before my neighbors complain and run a bunch of errands.

I hope all of the "Mom's" out there had a great Mother's Day!

Will catch up with everyone soon!

6th Picture Meme

I was tagged by Tammy of Hot Flashes in the Desert for a picture meme.


The rules are to go to my sixth folder of pictures and find the sixth picture, and show it and tell the story behind the picture.

It's me and the boys in our backyard.

Corky is the one on the left hand side of the picture and Casey is on the right side.

That's me in the middle.

M and I took some picture of the house and us so that we could send them to her Mom when she started to forget things. She has Alzheimer's and has been slowly slipping away into a world of her own.

Jeannie is her name and I met her for the first time it was 2 weeks after Hurricane Georges hit the island of Puerto Rico and did some major destruction. We brought some supplies - batteris and candles and battery powered lamps.

That woman had more stamina and life than I did. They had no power and lived on the 8th floor of an apartment house. She went up those steps like it was nothing while M and I huffed and puffed our way up.

To see her now, that life in her eyes are gone and her memory slowly slipping away is heartbreaking.

So this is a picture for Jeannie: M's "friend" Shazza and her 2 furry grandsons.

She put the fun in...

...her life.

Our life!

Many peoples lives.

Oh, she had her moments when she could be tough and stern,moody and sad but what I remember most about her is "fun".

She just made things fun!

She loved to dance and have a good time.

She laughed easily and loudly and her laugh was infectious.

If she tried to tell a joke...often she messed up the punch line, but that made the joke even more funny.

She liked to sing...and would mix up the lyrics to the song and would giggle and say that was the way it was SUPPOSED to be sung...according to her!

She had a silly side and wasn't afraid to show it - people liked that about her. It made them want to be silly too sometimes.

It's been two years since I've seen her smile or heard her laugh and God how I miss it....miss her.

I have so many other memories of her - but on this day...two years since she's passed away...I want to remember the fun we enjoyed with her.

I tried to find a photo of her that would convey what a fun person my Mom was.

I found this one and I just laughed right out loud and thought that would be just what she would have wanted any one looking at this picture to do: laugh

In memory of Rose Murphy Oct. 20th, 1936 - Aug. 9th, 2006

Mom...I miss you...I love you.

I hope you are having fun up there.

Sibling Bloggers

The "big sister" - Neetzy

and "little brother" - Monkeytooth have joined the ranks of the blogging public!

We are hoping to create enough momentum so that we can embarrass "the Dad": aka "Semi-conductor" and have him make penance for all the terrible horrible things that he has done to us in our lives - there are only so many Boris Karloff imitations, bad jokes and plaid wearing one family can tolerate in a lifetime before you have a breaking point...trust me!

If you have a free moment...please stop by and say Hello!

Semi-conductor

Definition:

A partially conductive solid: a solid material that has electrical conductivity between that of a conductor and an insulator

That is one definition.

The other is:

A 71 year old white male armed with a baton and a odd sense of humor!

Meet my Dad - the semi-conductor!

This past weekend he was invited to be the guest conductor at a special July 4th concert with the Bay Atlantic Symphony Orchestra.

Quite an honor don't you think?

I'm so proud of him!

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend but dear ol' Dad filled me in on all of the details.

He was asked to lead the orchestra in John Philip Sousa's wonderfully patriotic song: Stars and Stripes Forever.

(If you are unfamiliar with the tune...click on the hperlink to get an idea what it sounds like. You'll probably recognize it once you hear it.)

My father is quite the performer. He does a wonderful rendition of Boris Karloff singing the Bee Gee's hit: Lonely Days.

(You're trying to picture that in your head now aren't you?)

Put my Dad up on a stage and in front of a few hundred people in the audience and an orchestra at his command?

ohhhhhhhhhhhh....lordy!

I'm truly sorry I wasn't there to see this because this is what happened...and this is a direct "cut and paste" from an e-mail he sent me:

"Before I began, I told the audience that I was an old 'rock & roll' guy and I was used to having backup singers. I then asked the audience to sing the unauthorized words to the refrain, that are, "be kind to your webfooted friends," etc. When we got to that point it seems that the entire audience of about 300, vocally joined in the refrain. It was GREAT!!! "

:::sigh:::

Gotta love him!

I Dream of Jeannie

The first time I met M's Mom and Dad was 2 weeks after Hurricane Georges hit her native Puerto Rico. M is the only one in her family that lives here in the states.

As we landed at the airport, the island looked like it went through a horrible fire. The powerful winds from the the storm had stripped all of the leaves from most of the vegetation and about 80% of the island was still without power.

It was hot and humid; fights broke out over bottled water and ice since it was scarce.

There is something about the air after a major storm in the tropics...it's still...it doesn't move. There were no cooling island breezes blowing.

It was oppressive.

M's Mom and Dad picked us up at the airport and drove us to the touristy area where her Dad's company had an apartment they used for business guests. The complex had power and best of all they had air conditioning!

As we rode the elevator up to the apartment, M gave her Mom's some 80's Pop CD's as a gift. Jeannie loves music...all kinds of music and she loves to dance! She broke out singing: "I wear my sunglasses at night" by Corey Heart in the elevator and I knew right away that I adored this woman!

M's parents stayed at the apartment with us that first night so that they could all catch up and enjoy the air conditioning. The next day however, we went with them to their home which was an apartment on the 8th floor.

Their building had some power through emergency generators...enough to give the residents lights and refrigeration for food, but not enough to power the elevators! M and I looked at each with dread in our eyes knowing that we were going to have to walk up 8 floors!

But...we were younger then and thought..."eh...nothing to it!"

M's parents, both in their 60's at this point, bounded up the stairs with little or no effort - her Mom made the trip up in heels!!! By the time M and I reached the 4th floor...we thought we were gonna die!

We eventually made it all the way up - huffing and puffing and sweating profusely - and feeling a bit shameful that her parents who were 20 years older than us kicked our butts!

The visit was great...M was able to quell her fears about her family's safety after a major hurricane and they all were able to catch up. They played cards, chatted about in Spanish (which I am sorry to say...I still do not know how to speak)and drove us around the island so we could witness the damage firsthand. It was pretty extensive trust me...I have never seen that kind of devastation before.

In the 11 years that M and I have been together I have been down to Puerto Rico 2 more times. Her parents have come up to visit and stay with us at our home a few times as well. I have been very fortunate that M's family has welcomed me as one of their own.

This past Monday M and I flew down to Puerto Rico again. This time as we landed the island was lush and green. An afternoon rain shower which is an almost daily occurrence in the tropics left the ground glistening as the sun tried to break through the clouds. It was warm but a soft breeze was blowing. The island itself was healthy and thriving again. Not a trace of the ravaging effects of any past hurricane exists.

Unfortunately, this visit we witnessed a different kind of devastation. M's Mom - Jeannie has Alzheimer's.

During M's last visit home back in September of 2007 her family had made the difficult decision to put Jeannie into a care facility. Her disease has progressed very quickly and it was becoming more and more difficult for her father who still works, to care for her at home.

M's family had prepared her on what to expect during this recent visit with her Mom. She was told that she's gained a bit of weight, her hair is no longer colored and has grown quite long and is pulled back in a long braid down her back, she has to be tied to a chair during the day because she can't walk without assistance and she may fall and hurt herself. She still has times when she is very clear, but she gets confused very easily.

When we walked into the lounge area where she was sitting that day I thought she looked very good. She was clean and looked well cared for...she even had on a bit of lipstick which I hear she was never without! The biggest change by far though was in her eyes. That sparkle, the life that used to be there...is gone. There is no expression in her face at all.

The aides let M know that she is their happiest patient and she's always singing and clapping her hands. She loves to watch game shows still and play cards, although she doesn't remember any games anymore...she just collects the cards and puts them in order.

At first Jeannie did not recognize M, but after a few moments she did remember her. She did not recognize me at all, but she reached for my hand and you can see those eyes staring...searching...trying to find something.

M sat with her Mom for a while and they talked, then they played cards and talked a bit more. Occasionally she would start singing and clapping her hands - and you knew she was happy, but you couldn't see it on her face.

I sat with her cousin in the background and let M enjoy her time with her Mom.

It was a very emotional visit for M. Patients with Alzheimer's can live for years in a healthy body while the disease slowly destroys their brain. You lose this person you love twice: first the personality and mind is gone and then eventually the body will break down as well...and you never know how much longer they will be with us.

Later that day...we came back to the hotel we were staying at and decided to just crash and relax. M needed time to herself and her emotions - we can always come back again and spend more time with her family.

Now - every time I hear that Corey Heart song, I will think of Jeannie and remember that spark in here eyes and the dance in her heart.

Mom

Happy Birthday Mom - I miss you.

I love you.

Rest in peace.

Go Sis!

My sister is 4 years older than I am. Growing up, we were not always the best of friends, but we've overcome all of that and now we get along great.

I was always in awe of her artistic talent. I used to sit and watch her draw and could NOT figure out how she did it. The only thing I was able to manager were goofy cartoons and doodles.

On Friday she had her first showing as a featured artist at the Red Raven Gallery in Lancaster, PA! My Dad and I drove out to see her and show her our support.

So, this particular entry is dedicated to my sister and her talent! She has overcome a lot of obstacles in her life to get to where she is now.

Go Sis!